Love for sale

18 Nov

lovebirds

Lovebirds have it easy

It’s local newspaper delivery day – which means a fresh army of “genuine” Ms and Fs, mainly N/Ss with GSOHs*, all writing in their own little code, hoping to capture somebody’s heart in little more than the length of a tweet on the personal ads pages.

It really is another language – I’ve just wasted 20 minutes on Google trying to decipher the acronym “OHAC”. After discounting the Occupational Health Advisory Committee and the Open High
Availability Cluster (whatever that may be) we’re left with Own House and Car, which seems like a slightly odd choice of sales tactic. I suppose having a microwave and a signed copy of Craig David’s greatest hits isn’t quite as big an incentive.

Some of the small adders – and I expect it’s the more experienced – are more confident in their self-publicity than others. In this week’s Swanage Advertiser the alpha-male “martial arts at heart” and female equivalent “I got you babe” compete with the more reserved and maybe a little bit desperate “give us a chance” and “fingers crossed”. Perhaps Mr Martial Arts and Ms Chance are a match made in heaven… we’ll never know.

While some people have quite specific ideas about their ideal partner (must be curvy and a non-smoker / seeking sincere gent 50-60 with own car) others are so general that one almost wonders whether “has pulse” requires its own polite acronym (medium build seeks similar / nice lady wanted).

And then there are the really intriguing requests. Why does “light my candle” need an “understanding” female? Why is it so important to “practical magic” that her gent is “solvent”?

Even more importantly, why on earth aren’t they all on the internet? How these old fashioned ads have survived is a mystery to me. To get in touch with any of these potential dates you have to leave them a voicemail. Personally I would rather eat my own arm than proposition an ansaphone.

Or you can send them a text at £1.50 a time, and once you’ve sent five you’re allowed to swap contact details. That’s £7.50 per date, and you haven’t even bought a round of drinks yet. And are you really likely to discover in just five texts whether or not you want to meet up with them? “Message in a Bottle” may sound like a hoot in three sentences but given the same number of emails he may turn out to be a lot less than marriage material.

Love’s a bitch.

*M/F – Male/Female
N/S- Non Smoker
GSOH – Good Sense of Humour

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2 Responses to “Love for sale”

  1. almostwitty November 19, 2010 at 1:21 pm #

    When I was perusing the small dating ads, I got really annoyed by the people proudly stating OHAC… surely there are more important things in life like compatibility? But then I suppose South Wales is stuffed full of single people who live with their parents and catch the bus everywhere.

    But it’s a sad statement of our society that people looking for love are using their credit balance as a filter.

  2. Frau Dietz November 20, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    Am totally flabbergasted about this OHAC business. And I’m personally of the opinion that if someone feels the need to mention that they have a GSOH then they probably don’t have one.

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