Is there Facebook after death?

15 Apr

The thorny issue of technology and the afterlife is tackled in the current issue of that beacon of investigative journalism, Take a Break’s Fate & Fortune magazine.

My best mate bought me a subscription for my birthday this year for a laugh and now, every month, I learn invaluable lessons such as “how to be your own shaman” (lots of sitting cross legged involved, slight problem with our family history of bad knees) and which spell to cast in order to help an alcoholic partner (worryingly this begins “you’ll need a large glass of red wine…”).

I am also offered the opportunity to purchase such gems as angel candles – Michael or Metatron, which have the dual benefit of both containing secret powers AND being pleasantly fragrant -and my own private Tarot readings by text message. All for £1.90! Astonishing. And I haven’t even mentioned Texas the Psychic Horse’s problem page.

Anyway, back to the hot topic of technology, which crops up a few times this month, somewhat unusually.

As tends to be the way with all things connected to the afterlife, expert opinion on whether GPS or Google Maps will help you over the River Stix is somewhat divided.

At the beginning of the magazine “angel expert” Jacky Newcomb rather helpfully suggests that if you’re having problems with Facebook, Twitter or even your mobile phone you should try asking Archangel Gabriel for help as he/she (can be either apparently) has cleverly rebranded him/herself the “communication angel” and therefore “works comfortably with technology”.

Worth remembering next time you’re having problems logging on in the office, or DrawSomething has frozen again on your infuriatingly stupid smartphone.

Six pages later, however, controversial fraud medium Derek Acorah (who famously once claimed on a TV show to be possessed by a spirit made up by the production team – this however did nothing to dent his faith in his own abilities) is unequivocal on the subject of supernatural social networking.

In answer to a reader’s question about whether there is such a thing in the afterlife Derek replies that there isn’t. But the good news is that spirits are “too busy” to faff about on Facebook. It’s the perfect time to take up hobbies such as “skydiving or skiing” he assures 22 year old Sam from west London.

Well that’s a relief. I’d have hated to float around bored out of my mind for all eternity, bereft of topical tweets to read or pictures of friends out on the lash to laugh at.

It is wonderful to know that a period of extreme sports awaits instead. Thankfully it also gives me time to work on curing my issues with vertigo.

Not sure Roberta from Carluddon on page 52 is going to agree with Derek though – because according to her, both her late baby daughter and her brother both regularly give her a ring on the telephone to let her know they’re still around.

There’s a little fact box accompanying this somewhat astonishing declaration. It contains the bold claim that “calls to mobile phones from spirits have rocketed by 43% in the last six years”.

Woah. Firstly, did someone actually decide to start monitoring phone calls from ghosts in 2006? Who? And why? and, erm, how? That last one gets an answer (Nothing gets past the intrepid reporting team behind Fate & Fortune). Apparently these calls often show up as “withheld number” or “00000000”.

That accounts for pretty much every phone call I have ever received from work. But as I am sitting here on my mate’s sofa writing this blog and not out astrally bungee jumping off Ayrs Rock I assume I am not dead.

The psychic community is surely missing a trick here. Of all the phone numbers for mediums listed throughout the magazine – and there are many – not a single one is either withheld or contains lots of zeros. I would possibly be more inclined to take Cheapest Best Psychics or Nirvana Light marginally more seriously if they had a spooky phone number or – and here’s another thing – if they called me.

Food for thought eh? At least until next month. The June issue, which very appropriately for a fortune telling magazine goes on sale in May, promises to teach me how to feng shui my love life.

I can’t wait.

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3 Responses to “Is there Facebook after death?”

  1. MLH April 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

    Another gem of a blog and may I recommend ‘Prediction’ and ‘Spirit and Destiny’ they are the ‘Marie Claire’ and ‘Cosmo’ of this genre of mag, than the referenced publication.

  2. The Coffee Table Years April 16, 2012 at 5:18 am #

    Love it! How did this magazine ever escape my attention and how did I get this far in life without it? Clearly I’ve not been in communication with spirits enough. I wonder if Fate and Fortune are hiring. I shall consult my crystal ball. Need a job.

  3. Glassbusters Arizona April 16, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    That was very entertaining! I love your humor.

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